Hey Good Lookin’

 

Now since it’s been ages since I last posted on here, and as a result I’m feeling guilty and ashamed, I can promise that this post will feature humiliating photos. There, now you have to keep reading. Movember so far has been going absolutely fine. I haven’t really noticed the intrusion into my life / total embarrassment just yet, which suits me just fine. I mean, I think this is partly due to the fact that I’m straddling an awkward half-way stage in the development of the Mo: decent growth has certainly occurred, but I haven’t quite been bold enough to shave off the rest of the face, leaving just the Mo exposed. The result of this is that I don’t look like a wonderful, worthy person who’s doing Movember; I just look a) like I’m extremely lazy and can’t be bothered to shave, and b) like I might molest someone on public transport. (One of those statements is true – I’ll leave you to decide which one.)

Now we all hear a lot of people whinging that they’re ‘not a morning person’. That’s fine, I understand. But when you say you’re ‘not a morning person’ you probably mean that you wake up early and once you’ve had a coffee and a shower, you’re absolutely fine. You are not ‘not a morning person’. I am ‘not a morning person’. Waking up before 8am makes me feel physically sick. I set my alarm from 45 minutes before I have to be up, just so I can snooze about 400 times and kid myself I’ve had a lie-in. I lie in my bed, shaking with fear and rage at the injustice of having to get out of my bed. I refuse to put the lights on. I wrap myself in my duvet before crawling across my bedroom floor, kidding myself I’m still in bed. I drink at least 8 cups of tea and leave the house wearing 3 hoodies, then change at work. At work, I spent at least half the morning not speaking to anyone, sulking at the fact that I’m awake. After lunch, I’m bearable. I’m not so much ‘not a morning person’ as ‘if you encounter me before midday you will think I’m a serial killer’. So for me, any possible way of cutting corners in the morning is great. Even 30 seconds saved is a joy worthy of some Sound Of Music- style hill-singing. (I bet I’d look great in a wimple.) The best bit about Movember, then, is that I don’t need to shave. In fact, I actively need to not shave. I can crawl into work looking unkempt and revolting and sit looking smug. I am not lazy and unclean. I am a virtuous charity worker who should probably be in line for a Nobel Prize at some point soon. I am to charity work what One Direction are to catchy pop tunes.

me. only less bearded and more hyper

In reality, let’s face it – I am a lazy slob. I am in fact to cleanliness and hygiene what Bridget Jones is to journalism. Right here:

me. only with a smaller bum.

Movember, for me, is an exercise primarily in laziness. But if laziness has such positive side-effects – then who am I to argue?

By next time – which won’t be so long away this time, I promise – I pledge that I’ll have taken the plunge and shaved off all but the Mo. You’ll be able to see me looking like the wannabe-Mexican that’s deep inside of me, struggling to get out. But for now – here are the humiliating pictures I promised. I tried to get as many degrading angles as I could for your amusement. I know – I’m far too good to you:

 

 

 

 

 

                         Yes, these pictures were taken at work. I’m a disgrace.

Fuzzy Head, Fuzzy Face

In my mind, when this Movember began, I would leap out of bed full of life and energy, my skin glowing, a gleam in my eyes, and eagerly shave before skipping to work, fresh-faced and awaiting a joyful month of beautiful upper-lip hair growth. I would be immaculate, I would be groomed to perfection, and over the course of the month I would cultivate a ‘tache that was healthy, shiny, and made me look like a wise professor. Or at least some kind of military officer.

In reality, what happened was that I crawled out of bed, still drunk, and half an hour later than I was meant to. Did I shower? No. Did I wear clean clothes? No. So given that these basic parts of human existence failed to take place, the likelihood of me shaving was slim to nil. And forget skipping down the street; I quite literally crawled across the flat before dragging myself out looking like some sort of cave-troll. So the upshot is that my healthy, positive Movember was over before it even began. So those of you hoping for daily updates of me looking more and more esteemed as the month goes on will have to look elsewhere. Movember for me is going to be much like Novembers past: dark, very cold, and probably deeply miserable. Just hairier.

When I was asked to write this blog, I had already been planning on doing Movember – my rugby team all do it every year (and brace yourselves, because there’s a plug coming – though it’s a charity one so it’s probably a worthy and virtuous plug. Think of it like Comic Relief. Only with less Dawn French.) in aid of a great charity called SKRUM which uses rugby to help underprivileged kids in Africa have some fun whilst also gaining some sexual health awareness, which is really important given the environment they live in. (Don’t panic, I promise usually my blog-posts are hilarious and far less serious. Keep reading. Go on.) I also already blog (you can have a look at my great and extremely witty blog here), so what better, I thought, than a nice way of combining the two whilst also giving me something other than knitting and shivering to do on these cold nights.

That was the theory. It dawned on me as I began that what I had actually agreed to do what to post pictures of me getting, frankly, more and more hideous and looking less and less socially acceptable as the month goes on. Luckily for you all, even I, with my usual total lack of all dignity, could not bring myself to submit you all to a picture of my face today. Maybe if you’re (un)lucky I’ll add one this evening. But I hereby swear that as soon as I’m looking at least partly human, I’ll start the picture updates and you can all follow in horror as I am transformed. (I feel like I have perhaps overestimated how big this transformation will be. In my mind it’s a Jekyll and Hyde style job, or like when they changed the actor who plays Nick in Coronation Street without saying a word like he’d just had a haircut instead of a head and body transplant.)

spot the difference…?

 

 

 

 

 

 

But ’til then, you’ll all just have to imagine quite how rough I look. I’ll give you a clue:

self-portrait. upholstery not representative of my own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Movember: Top Ten Taches

From the classic handlebar, to the chevron, to the pencil to the toothbrush; moustaches have been around for centuries and have often been associated with power and masculinity.

Movember is a famous charity event gaining momentum year by year. Originating in 2003 in Australia, men everywhere are encouraged to embrace their facial hair for a month and ‘grow a mo’ in aid of men’s health. The rules are simple, the MoBro must begin November with a clean-shaven face and they must grow and groom their moustache for the entire month.

In honour of Movember and all the MoBros participating this year, here is a chronological timeline of some of the best moustaches in history. Inspiration enough? Lets hope so!

(cut between pictures of the people… lower third with their names and birth dates, moustache type?)

1. The first notable moustache on this timeline has got to be the one and only Lord Kitchener. It’s his face that dons the famous ‘Your Country Needs You’ posters and one can’t help but be in awe of his epic handlebar tache.
2. The next notable mo in history is awarded to Albert Einstein. Einstein’s bushy facial hair is just as much part of his identity as his boffin brain. Who knows, his mo may even have been the source of his brainpower!

3. Next in line is the infamous Charlie Chaplin. Despite his toothbrush moustache being a fake, Chaplin earns his place on this countdown. His blatant audacity at poking fun at Hitler so soon after the war gives him serious MoBro credit.

4. The next Mo award is for all you art fans out there. Salvador Dalí, the famous surrealist painter, had equally surreal whiskers that used a tremendous amount of wax and upkeep. Senior Dali had immense competition in his time, perhaps the most controversial being…

5. Frida Kahlo. Yes, you heard right, Frida Kahlo. This female Mexican painter is most definitely a MoBro in her own right as she ignored the cultural convention and resisted shaving off her dark facial hair. If you’re taking part in Movember and shave off your mo prematurely due to pier pressure, then think back to this bold and heroic woman and hang your head in shame.

6. Two words… Tom Selleck. Yes they can send a flock of ladies into a tizzy but they also bring up images of immense manliness and impressive facial fuzz. Selleck’s chevron moustache remains one of the fullest and most masculine, perhaps of all time.

7. The next entry as we make our way nearer to the present, is a controversial one. John Water’s moustache is like marmite: you either love it or you hate it. The pencil tache that John Sports is ambitious and takes a lot of upkeep to keep it need so kudos!

8. Freddie Mercury hits up the number eight spot in the timeline. This mo has featured heavily on most top manliest moustache lists and its clear to see why. Bravo Mr Mercury, Bravo.

9. This fairly modern entry cannot be discounted due to its owner. Despite Dick Darstardly being fictional, his impressive curled moustache fits perfectly into the ‘evil genius’ moustache category and is always perfectly styled and trimmed.

10. The latest notable moustache on this timeline goes to Mr Hulk Hogan. Being the only peroxide blonde mo on this timeline this horseshoe beauty needs no introduction. He is inspiration for all you blonde bros out there, and can prove that blonde taches can be manly!

So there we have it, ten famous moustaches spanning across the years. Visit http://www.movember.comtoday and sign up for this great event and raise awareness for men’s health. Remember it’s not just for the lads, ladies you can sign up to be a Mo’sista and support all the MoBros out there. Failing that, you could always give up your waxing and bleaching regime and grow a mo yourself. Go on; give the guys a run for their money!

10852 Written October 2012